As I shared yeseterday, I'm completely conflicted on how to manage my career and home-- to have balance and peace between the two.
My work is something I don't really like to talk much, because it's way more fun to talk about houses and homes, projects and cooking and friends and the man. :) But if I'm totally honest, it's something that I struggle to keep boundries with in my personal life. My job is something I really enjoy and want to excel in, but when I'm at the empire state building on vacation responding to emails, something is out of whack. And that's a personal decision; no one is making me respond to emails on vacation. I'm kind of married to my iPhone if I'm real with you. Not proud of it, but admitting it finally. It's hard for me to separate work from life.
During my 2 month hiatus, David and I went on vacation. Before we left, I made a decision to take a break, a real vacation. I will admit, I checked my phone... But I didn't send emails and I often left it back in our hotel room so we could enjoy the pool or have a quiet dinner. It was a real vacation. And you know what? The work was still there when I came back, so I was glad I didn't worry about it while I was away.
I have this internal conflict because it's hard for me to keep up. But I want to. I want to excel in everything-- in my job, in my marriage, in managing our home, in my friendships, with my family relationships, in my bible study, in meeting new people, I could go on forever. And even though I have no kids, my husband travels and I really only have to care for myself-- I struggle. I feel like I'm always behind. The laundry needs to be done. The house is a mess and I'm the only one who's lived here for the past couple days. I need to go to the gym. I come home from work and I'm exhausted. I've been "on" all day. And I think... This shouldn't be so difficult. You just need to be more disciplined, Rachel, and it will all come together. Or will it?
My 20-year old self was dead set on having an amazing career, one day having kids and doing it all. Putting a gourmet meal on the table while giving slam dunk presentations during the day. My almost 30 year-old self is slowing down and wanting to taste every moment. To be like Anne instead of Ivanka. To drink in each mundane task and give thanks for the opportunity to give of myself-- to the people I love. And I struggle because deep inside, I don't know if I can do it all and maintain my sanity.
I was sharing this with Krista a couple weekends ago. "I forget to include God in this struggle- to pray about it and lay it down before him," I said. "I need to talk to him more."
"Prayer is good," she responded. "But don't forget where you will truly meet him. I know it feels good to tell the universe what you feel and lay it before Him, but you will truly receive Him when you meet Him in His word. Being in His word is where he promises we will find Him, and where he will speak. Go back to the word, Rachel."
Did I ever mention how amazing Krista is? I am thankful for her Godly heart and that she shares it with me.
I don't think this is a struggle I will overcome immediately. I don't think God's asking me to either... But I do know that he's convicting me to meet him in his word every day. It's a goal of mine over 2011 and I've definitely fallen short these last couple of months, but Krista is right. His word is where He will meet us.
Every. Single. Time.
Let me see these things through your lens, Lord and guide my steps as I mitigate through this balancing act. Direct my heart and focus my mind. Prepare the way for me and keepn my eyes on You.
***As always, thanks for reading.***