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I couldn't write about it.
Hardly could talk about it.
Couldn't even say it.
About eight months ago I found out that I'm pregnant.
I felt like I had this enormous secret, and usually secrets are shameful or bad. This secret was totally the opposite, but it wasn't a planned secret like a surprise birthday party or something. I was completely, utterly, entirely shocked and surprised when those two little lines appeared. Flutters of emotions filled me. Obviously shock was one of them... Then fear and uncertainty followed by excitement and joy. We were having a baby! Oh my goodness! Isn't this what I've always dreamed about? Yes. Then why can't I talk about it? Why can't I even say the word?
My mail order birth control that had steadily come every three months for three years had abruptly stopped, even after I'd just renewed it. Since I was coming off an 11 day business trip followed by my brother's wedding in California, I was irresponsible and neglected to call to see what was going on until we got back from our trip. I thought it wouldn't matter since my husband was a field traveler and with all our combined travel, there really wasn't much time for stuff to happen... Wrong.
"I don't think you're pregnant," David said as he stood in the bathroom looking at the test for me (because I was too in shock to even look at it). "The plus sign is very faint."
The "plus" sign?!
I went back to the store and bought three more tests. Tests with lines this time. Each one confirmed two lines. Pregnant. And I couldn't even say the word.
It wasn't because I was upset. It wasn't because I was unhappy. I truly just did not know why this happened-- right now. Yes, I knew HOW it happened :) but the why I was still uncertain of. All our friends and family knew we were not in the baby ready phase. Sure, if David had approached me with an earnest desire to start a family I would have jumped at the thought and obliged happily... However, this wasn't the case. We had a plan, a schedule-- a direction we were moving in. A baby was not in those plans for at least another year. I felt like I was sitting on a huge secret and I couldn't begin to talk about it, let alone blog about it. What would I say? Thoughts of working vs. staying at home, our plans of a spring trip to Europe, our five year anniversary (it's in our VOWS we would wait five years!!!) and our happy-as-it-is-right-now marriage flooded my heart and mind. When you talk about having a baby, aren't you supposed to be crazy happy, excited, planning the nursery, picking out names and filling a registry? I already felt like a bad mother since I could hardly whisper the words... I'm pregnant. We're going to have a baby.
David and I decided to wait to tell friends and my work until after the three month mark. This also would allow us some time to think about what we wanted to do when it came to my job. We called our parents and siblings and of course I told Krista and a few other people ahead of time. Everyone was thrilled for us. It made it easier to feel like it was real talking about it with the people close to us. Our secret began feeling more and more like a treasure even though I didn't feel any different (thankfully!) and didn't look any different either.
It was just before our four-year anniversary trip to the Grand Canyon when the three month mark hit. I was nervous to tell my boss since I was so uncertain about what I wanted to do with work once the baby arrived. Being the first woman to go through this in our company, I didn't have any previous steps to follow, but they were so gracious towards me when they heard the news. I was told to just wait and think about it, they didn't need to know what my post-baby work plans were immediately. Thank you whispered from my heart to heaven as I remembered everything is safe.
Every morning as my belly grew I lifted the little gift growing inside of me up to Him. Suddenly I found myself surprised not because I was carrying this precious little one but because of how much I loved this baby. My heart was already so full with having an amazing husband, family, friends and church... But somehow God had opened my heart to make room for this humongous growing love for someone I hadn't even met yet. Still haven't met, actually. 6 more weeks :). It still amazes me how quickly this secret-turned-treasure-turned-LOVE has manifested.
I tell this story cautiously, because I never want my little girl to look back and wonder if I wanted her. I've always wanted her, even from when I was 5 years old playing with my dolls. I just had no idea God wanted her to come now. It's also why I've taken a break from blogging... I couldn't write without talking about how my heart feels about this gift I've been given and the emotions I've had along the way.
Some things are just in His timing always. I had called the birth control company right when we got home from California, and a day after I found out I was pregnant, the missing birth control showed up in the mail. A week later, I received a letter from the birth control company advising the pills they had been sending were in the wrong order... And I may be pregnant. I laughed and thought, I definitely am and wow, it probably would have happened anyway! God wants this little girl here right now... And so do I.
We can't wait to meet you Maya. We are filled with joy just at the thought.