Tonight's dinner consisted of peanut butter and jelly and goldfish. I am actually eating the peanut butter and jelly right now. I guess this is one benefit of being a field traveler's wife... No endless planning of meals. Sometimes I wish I had to plan meals, that I had someone to cook for. I'm sure one day when I have kiddos I'll look back at this time and crave for a night to myself just eating pb&j. :)
Isn't it funny how we always want what we don't have, or wish for something different than our current disposition? I find myself looking at facebook and looking at pictures of my friends and their families and think, wow... That is going to be me someday. Not that I want kids right now, but I do want them one day. And since I like to know where my life is going and have a general plan for what's ahead, I find myself thinking about this a LOT. It is strangely enticing to think about being a mother. What does it feel like? How will I handle it? Will I have morning sickness? Oh I won't be able to handle that. What will being pregnant be like? Will my body bounce back? What if there's something wrong... I really want to be a stay-at-home mom, but will we be able to afford it? But I love my job... What will life look like in a couple of years? How is this going to work out?!
All these questions and doubt race through my mind as I try to figure out the best possible time and way for this all to occur. And then there's David, my gorgeous husband who also is a huge part of this entire equation. What does he want? We always said we'd wait five years. That's still in the plan. What if he doesn't want me to stay home? Where will we be in the next couple years? I hope we're still here! Of course we'll still be here, he's not transferring twice in less than 5 years-- that's just not even in the realm of possibility. Oh all these things are preoccupying my mind. What is it going to be like...
Then I remember where to seek wisdom from. In our women's bible study we've been studying James, who speaks specifically of wisdom:
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." ~James 1:5-8
If that isn't plain enough for even me to understand! How amazing is it that we have a God who loves his children so much and gives them generous gifts when they ask and believe they will receive! Now I know this doesn't mean he will give me everything I ask for as long as I believe; but I do know that he works together for the good of those who love him, who he called according to his purpose. He loves us, and he wants his best for us. He wants us to seek him out and include him in every decision we make as it impacts our future. As Joy said at bible study last week, "there are NO no-brainers." God should be a part of every decision! When we submit to God and come near to him, he will come near to us. His word promises it. I don't have to worry or fret about how having kids is going to work out or what our life will look like at that time. I need to ask that God would give both David and me Godly wisdom as we live out our adventure. I seriously have no idea how God is going to bring motherhood and the workforce and all that comes with that, but I trust that in his perfect plan he will work it out-- if we seek his wisdom and ask him into our decisions. It is unnatural for me not to want to plan it out. But as James says, "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'" (James 4:14-15). 'Nough said!