Reedeeming Love

Last week I travelled to Long Beach, California (my old stomping grounds!) for work.  Before I left, one of my friends Kylee let me borrow an incredible book: Reedeeming Love by Francine Rivers.  Maybe you've read it, or at least heard of it.  It's my mom's favorite book, but for some reason I had never even thought to pick up a copy.  I figured a work trip would be a good place to start since I had a couple hours to kill anyway while on the plane.

I started reading once I was on the plane, a quick ride down to LB from PDX.  The flight wasn't long enough.  The minute I started reading about Sarah/Angel/Tirzah/Amanda I was captivated by the story of this woman.  She was classy (can you even use that word to describe a prostitute?!) yet pathetic.  She was smart yet stupid.  She was being pursued by the most perfect man ever, and she rejected his love over and over again.  I kept thinking how lucky she was to be loved by this man; she didn't deserve him!  After thinking such a thought shame rushed over me.  I certainly don't deserver God's love and sacrafice-- how many times have I rejected his love, command or voice?  How lucky am I to have a God who loves me like Michael loves Sarah!  A Lord who pursues my heart and takes me back overlooking my filth and sin, who is waiting for my whole heart and craves all of me.  This love story is our love story with our Lord and savior Jesus.  The lover of my soul!  I am so undeserving!  And yet he pursues me still.

Going into it, I knew the storyline of Reedeeming Love was the story of Hosea-- his love for Gomer and God's love for us.  I couldn't read fast enough; I brought it with me to the conference and read on my lunch break and every chance I got when we weren't out with work engagements.  I finished it at 2 a.m. the night before I returned to Portland.  I read Hosea on the plane ride home.  I couldn't get enough of the love story; its story belongs to each of us: God's pain and remorse when we tear away from him, and his abundant grace, love, and mercy he washes over us when we return to him.  How gracious of a God we serve.

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realize just how beautiful You are,

And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us oh

Oh how He loves us,

How He loves us all

And we are His portion and He is our prize,

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,

If His grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,

When I think about, the way…

That He loves us,

Oh how He loves us........

~David Crowder Band, "How He Loves" 

Oh James...

Tonight's dinner consisted of peanut butter and jelly and goldfish.  I am actually eating the peanut butter and jelly right now.  I guess this is one benefit of being a field traveler's wife...  No endless planning of meals.  Sometimes I wish I had to plan meals, that I had someone to cook for.  I'm sure one day when I have kiddos I'll look back at this time and crave for a night to myself just eating pb&j. :)

Isn't it funny how we always want what we don't have, or wish for something different than our current disposition?  I find myself looking at facebook and looking at pictures of my friends and their families and think, wow...  That is going to be me someday.  Not that I want kids right now, but I do want them one day.  And since I like to know where my life is going and have a general plan for what's ahead, I find myself thinking about this a LOT.  It is strangely enticing to think about being a mother.  What does it feel like?  How will I handle it?  Will I have morning sickness?  Oh I won't be able to handle that.  What will being pregnant be like?  Will my body bounce back?  What if there's something wrong...  I really want to be a stay-at-home mom, but will we be able to afford it?  But I love my job... What will life look like in a couple of years?  How is this going to work out?!

All these questions and doubt race through my mind as I try to figure out the best possible time and way for this all to occur.  And then there's David, my gorgeous husband who also is a huge part of this entire equation.  What does he want?  We always said we'd wait five years.  That's still in the plan.  What if he doesn't want me to stay home?  Where will we be in the next couple years?  I hope we're still here!  Of course we'll still be here, he's not transferring twice in less than 5 years-- that's just not even in the realm of possibility.  Oh all these things are preoccupying my mind.  What is it going to be like...

Then I remember where to seek wisdom from.  In our women's bible study we've been studying James, who speaks specifically of wisdom:

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.  But when asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." ~James 1:5-8

If that isn't plain enough for even me to understand!  How amazing is it that we have a God who loves his children so much and gives them generous gifts when they ask and believe they will receive!  Now I know this doesn't mean he will give me everything I ask for as long as I believe; but I do know that he works together for the good of those who love him, who he called according to his purpose.  He loves us, and he wants his best for us.  He wants us to seek him out and include him in every decision we make as it impacts our future.  As Joy said at bible study last week, "there are NO no-brainers."  God should be a part of every decision!  When we submit to God and come near to him, he will come near to us.  His word promises it. I don't have to worry or fret about how having kids is going to work out or what our life will look like at that time.  I need to ask that God would give both David and me Godly wisdom as we live out our adventure.  I seriously have no idea how God is going to bring motherhood and the workforce and all that comes with that, but I trust that in his perfect plan he will work it out-- if we seek his wisdom and ask him into our decisions.  It is unnatural for me not to want to plan it out.  But as James says, "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow.  What is your life?  you are  a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'" (James 4:14-15).  'Nough said!

Planning Ahead!

This year my in-laws are coming up for Thanksgiving. I am so excited, because it will feel like a real family holiday. The past couple years we have been invited to my dear friend Alicia's home for a gorgeous meal with her incredible family, so it's not like we have been alone or anything. But this year it will feel like a holiday, because we'll have our family here to share it with. I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Having guests for Thanksgiving also means a TURKEY! Oh goodness if any of you have experienced a Rachel meal you know that it usually tastes fine but that's only because I doctor it up with salt or salad dressing or chocolate. Just ask Ricky and Krista about the flourless cake. David called it chocolate scrambled eggs (but dust some more sugar and cocoa and it really wasn't that bad- or maybe Krista was just saying that b/c she's a good friend). I have potential, really I do. I love reading cookbooks and I really enjoy cooking. I just need the motivation to follow a recipe! So here it is, my motivation... Mike and Diane, my in-laws! They are the most fabulous people so I could really mess up big time and they would eat it and smile and be ever so sweet. But I'd like to do a good job for them. I'd like to serve a legit turkey.  I'd like our home to seem warm and kind of festive; after all, it is Thanksgiving!

My dilemma is that I don't have any experience making a turkey and I don't even have the tools to get the job done.  Am I supposed to do it for the first time ever on Thanksgiving, no trial run and give my guests something I've never made before?  But who wants to eat a trial run turkey and then another one a couple weeks later?!  That's out.  Do I serve the traditional Thanksgiving sides like potatoes and stuffing or do I take on my own twist of them?  I know my in-laws will be happy with whatever I serve them, but this is my first time hosting Thanksgiving so I want it to be special and yummy. 

I called David while he was on the road and asked him if he'd ever made a turkey.  Of course he hadn't, I don't know why I even asked. :)  He suggested we smoke the turkey on our Traeger grill.  Great idea!  That frees up the oven for other stuff!  He said we should get a 14 pound turkey.  Don't know where that number came from but it was spot on b/c all the recipes I looked at were for birds 12-15 pounds. 

Last weekend we went over to some friends' house for Thanksgiving dinner.  It was Thanksgiving in October!  Maggie made a huge 26 pound turkey and it was fabulous.  We all brought sides and drank wine and shared the evening together just chatting in the company of good friends and good food.  She said that it was fairly easy to make, her tip was to take the bird out of the freezer 3 days before cooking it so that it has enough time to defrost.  I'm so glad she told me that.  I probably wouldn't have even thought to do that.

I have about a month to prepare, so I have plenty of time to figure out what to do.  I bought the rosting pan and the thermometer today. :)  I love the holidays.  It means warmth and family and people and excitement to me.  Woo hoo for turkeys and the excuse to be with people we love!

My dining table.  It must be ready for Turkey next month! :) 

Indefinite Home

Oh travelling... I don't know how David does it! We just got back from NYC a couple weeks ago and in two days I am back on the plane to go to CA for the weekend. Two weeks after that, we are leaving again for a weekend trip. And to think he does this all the time, every week. When he travels to Alaska, he flies every day! Whew. It is so much fun and I love being on the go. But I also love to be home. And now that David and I have a real, true home that is ours, I enjoy it so much.

Home has changed every few years for me since I turned 18. My first two years of college, home was a girls dorm room across the street from the gym and pool at Washington State. I shared a room with Taryn, the best roommate in the world and ate meals in what we called the "barfe" (well, it was a buffet, but whatever). Every Tuesday night us freshman swim team gals would sit around the table in the barfe and watch "Felicity" after a long practice. Home was just being around those precious girls in the Regents dorm.

Two years later-- junior year of college I found myself transferring to Florida State. Two of my teammates also transferred there (half our Washington State swim team transferred due to some coaching trouble) and we rented an apartment across the street from Doak Campbell Stadium. We could litterally hear the tailgating from our porch. Home was our little, humble abode on Jackson Bluff Road on the 3rd story, left side. I had an air mattress. Katie brought a couch (soooo comfortable in comparison to my ridiculous air mattress) and Andre-Anne brought all her amazing French Canadian recipes (squeaky cheese? YUM). Us three went through boyfriends, classes, training for NCAA's and ACC's, weekend parties and/or late night chats. We shared everything. Home was friendship; precious friendship with these amazing gals who became my sisters.

After graduation I moved back into my parents house in California while I went to grad school. This time being "home" was temporary because it was my parents' house and not my own space, but it was also pretty 'final' in the location because I knew I would be staying in California indefinitely. I met David, fell in love... I moved to my own small studio apartment (I still call it my "130 Roycroft studio") down by the beach. I still miss that adorable studio. I walked everywhere. I went for runs on the beach. I people watched. I learned to cook. I lived from paycheck to paycheck but managed to save money too. I loved my little home. David surprised me in that small apartment and brought me over my first Christmas tree. We still have that tree and I love unpacking it each year and remembering David walking through the door with a huge box on his shoulder... A Christmas tree for me, for us to enjoy when we were at 130 Roycroft.

Who knew that just a few years later we'd move to Torrance, in our first apartment and then a year later book it to Oregon in our first house. When I look back over all the moves, all the "homes" and all the places we've lived, it's clear to me that home is really where the people you love are. I didn't love Regents dorm, and our Jackson Bluff apartment was on the 3rd floor (try moving a couch and an air mattress in the Florida heat! Ok, well the air mattress wasn't that hard. But the couch?!). Moving back in with my parents, finding my own lovely studio, cramming into a small apartment in the southbay, and jetting up a couple states were all precious, sweet moments of life because they were shared with people I love.

Now that we have an indefinite timeline of how long we'll be here at this home, I am happy to just BE. I am so content to just take a deep breath and know this place is where God has put us for however long he wants us here. I don't doubt he will move and shake us again, but for now I know this is where he wants us. And it's weird. It's weird to me that I'm so happy here. It's weird to me that I am beginning to like our life better here than I did in California. It's strange that we are growing so much and learning more than ever. It's oddly amazing.

People say travelling gives you a deeper respect and appreciation for culture, opens your eyes to the world and is an amazing part of experiencing life to the fullest. I believe all those things. I also think that travelling has enabled David and me to appreciate home. To savor our time. To experience something indefinite. Travelling, while taking David into the field each week-- has actually brought us closer. I look forward to the time when he won't be field travelling and will be home with me each night, but I am grateful for this time. Even if it is but for short breath in our life, I am home and I love it. :)

Summer

Oh sweet summer, how I love you.

Summer is definitely my favorite time of year. Since I moved to the northwest, I especially love summer because the days last so darn long. In the middle of July the sun will go down just before 10 p.m. and it stays WARM all night. It is delightful, and I love it.

Summer also means that people come to visit, or we leave to go on trips. Just last weekend Jake and Beth, my bro and sis came to visit us. I was sooo honored to have them come up. The fact that they bought plane tickets and took time off of work to come up and see David and me spoke volumes to my heart. There are few people in the world that know you like your siblings do. This weekend was just so special to me, to have the two people who I've shared pretty much my entire life with hang out and just share time together was so sweet. I cherished every moment of it; because the older we get I know the fewer and fewer of these moments we'll share. Summer brings those special kind of times.

Summer also means it's David's birthday. Oh yes, this year he turned 29!!! He said it was the last birthday he'll ever have. :) To celebrate, we had a wine tasting party at our house. It was so much fun. We had all the field travellers over, and friends from church, and Jake and Beth. Everyone brought over a bottle of wine, and Beth bagged it so we couldn't see the label. After tasting a bunch of the wine, we voted on our favorite. It was a blast! But hands down the funniest part of the evening was the birthday cake. Oh David. Only David would ask for a BANANA BRAN cake. There is no recipe for this... People make banana bran bread, or banana bran muffins, but not banana bran CAKE! And four layers no less. Yes, the man asked for a four layered, banana bran cake with cream cheese icing. So what did the field traveller's wife do?! She made it! And it was hilarious, because it was just so David. Only David. Yes, Summer means it's David's birthday... And this year it will be remembered by wine tasting and banana bran cake.

All in all, it has been an amazing summer. Sweet, special time with family, celebrations, bike rides, farmer's markets, berries, wine... Now that David and I are our own little family we get to make summer mean something new to us. If it means banana bran cake and wine, then that's ok with me...

Busy

Being busy. Isn't it annoying that everyone around us is always busy?! It's like we are all so important with so many crazy cool things to do that we are in a constant state of busy-ness. I hate this. Are we really that important that we are always "too busy" or jammed packed full?! Unfortunately yours truly is the worst culprit of this. At work I have "too much" going on to stop and connect with the people I work with-- the people who I spend the most of my waking hours with. That is just not right! If I spend 40 hours with these people I should be investing in relationship with them, but no, I am too busy.

My husband often gets the tail end of my attention during the work week because I am so busy with the house and emails and trying to organize my life to sit and have a non-multiple-tasking conversation with him while he's away. What is wrong with this picture? My husband calls to spend time with me, even though it is conversation time and not face to face, it is still time he is taking from his day to communicate and connect to me. And still I am just "so busy".

Tonight a friend of mine came over because the gals from church were going to get together for cooking and movies, two of my favorite things! I had cancelled because I'm leaving for a work trip tomorrow and my flight leaves at 6 am, and I haven't packed or gotten any of the laundry done or exercised or blah blah blah (there I go again being busy!!!). Needless to say I forgot to tell her the gals weren't coming over and felt really bad when she showed up. She was so gracious and of course was super sweet and didn't make me feel bad, but I felt awful. Since when did I become so busy that I forgot about telling a friend something important? Normally I'd say I need a vacation! I'm just too busy! But this got me to thinking... I don't need a vacation. I need to make a choice. I need to choose to be disciplined in my time. This goes for spending time with my husband, time with Jesus and time with people. I walk around like I'm so important and that's why I'm so busy but in reality i have chosen this for myself. I have made myself this busy, and I need to choose if this is how I want to spend my time.

Time is so precious... Let's not waste it being busy.

Life Songs

Today I heard Switchfoot's song "Your Love is a Song" three times. Every time I got into my car and turned on the radio, that song was playing at the exact same spot. The third stanza where he sings "Your love is a symphony, all around me, running through me..." The second time I thought, this is weird, the exact same spot in the song, second time in a row, cool because I like this song. The third time, well, I am still wondering what God is trying to teach me through music. Or is it just a funny coincidence?!

Ever since I was a kid God has taught me things through music. Many times it's scripture being played in the tune of a song I love, and He reminds me of what His word says as I'm humming along. There are songs that I cherish because I feel they are a testament to what I strive to have my life mirror, even though I always fall short. When I'm stressed out at work I listen to the radio online and somehow just having those encouraging words in the background of my work are helpful to my day. I am so thankful God created music! "Your Love is a Song" reminded me that God is all around us, and His love is this perfect, beautiful stream that rushes towards us. I have a few old CD's that I made a couple years back with songs that I identify with and wanted my life to reflect. Here are just a few of my lifesongs that I pray my life can sing (in no particular order), because these words are so powerful and because each one has a story:



1. Spoken For- Mercy Me

I was in college when I fell in love with this song. Many of my girlfriends were dating, and I hardly was at all. I was always the type of gal who couldn't casually date. I tried, and it never worked. If I couldn't see it going beyond a few weeks, I couldn't run with it to "see where it goes". I wished I could be that girl, to date just to see what would happen. For some reason, my heart wouldn't let me casually involve myself because I didn't want to hurt anyone and I wanted to guard my heart. I used to pray that the first time I fell in love would be the last because I so dearly wanted my heart to be given to only one man. When I heard this song, I thought, this is so me! My heart is spoken for first by the lover of my soul-- Jesus! And then I met David, and he was the first and last man I gave my heart to. My husband, the only other who has my heart.

2. Carried Away- Sonic Flood

I just love the words. Check it out sometime. Jesus is the reason in my reason and I want to get carried away and jump into the life He has for me head first. It is an amazing song.

3. Magnificent Obsession- Steven Curtis Chapman

The title of this song says it all. What am I obsessed with? Mainly shoes... Okay I'm kidding, but my point is that many times I obsess over things that are meaningless. Let Jesus be my obsession, He is everything.

4. I want to Fall in Love with You- Jars of Clay

Probably my favorite lifesong. Let me fall more in love you Lord each and every day.

5. All Because of This- Mercy Me

Again, in college I found Mercy Me and immediately loved their music. This song is all about what this life means and who it all came from. It's all because of Jesus. Nothing else is here except for Him! I need to remember his unfailing love every day and hold onto it.

6. Lord have Mercy- Amy Grant & Michael W. Smith

My mom listened to Amy Grant when I was a kid, so I always had an affinity towards her and her music. I was so disappointed and sad when she got divorced. She was kind of like a small hero to me growing up because my parents had every album she every wrote and I heard her "grow up" through her music. This song is such a beautiful melody of God's forgiveness and mercy on us, a story of his love for us.

7. While I'm Waiting- John Waller

When we moved to Portland all I did was wait, or at least that's how I felt. In some ways, I still feel like I'm waiting but I think we will always be waiting for something... Waiting for heaven! Really though, throughout the move up here I really learned that God can teach us so much even through our wait. Wait upon the Lord is what His word says, and even in my waiting God encouraged me.

8. Speechless- Steven Curtis Chapman

I wish that every day I was speechless of God's love and grace. It really is amazing when I think about it, but I take it for granted so much. When I hear this song I want my life to be one of gratitude and awe of the amazing God we serve.

9. Be Still and Know that He is God- Steven Curtis Chapman

Sometimes I try to control things, and many times God just says "lay it down girl and let me do my thing!" Sometimes I just need to be still and know he is who he says he is, and he LOVES me.

10. Forever- Tim Hughes

Just the words of this song make me smile. Forever is going to be so cool in heaven.

11. I Will Hold On- Steven Curtis Chapman

Regardless of what life brings my way, I want to hold on to Jesus. It is much easier said than done. But that's why these are lifesongs, a GOAL of what I want my life to sing about. :)

12. Oh How the Years go by- Amy Grant

This song reminds me of my mom. Her best friend moved away when I was 10, and my mom cried and listened to this song. I know it sounds like a sad story, but I learned so much from mom at that point. Life keeps moving on, even when you want it to stand still. The life and love people bring to each stage of your life is something to be cherished and I have learned that myself in my 28 short years of life.

13. Where You Lead Me- Mercy Me

I hope that I will listen to where God leads me. I want to go where He is. I don't want anything less than His best!

Those are my lifesongs and a window into my soul.